Boston

"I think I'm going to Boston/I think I'll start a new life... I think I need a sunrise/I'm tired of a sunset" -Augustana

Days like this, it's a good thing that I have a mortgage. I. Am. So. Restless.

I'm not a restless person by nature, it's just that life is in a rut right now. A year ago, life was great. I had a tight core of friends that did stuff together every weekend. We took road trips. We went to events. We did life together. I could talk to them about anything, and I belonged. I was in a new job and I was excited about the potential. I just felt like I had the roots I had longed for.

Fast forward to today. For the second time in the seven years I've been here, my church family has been destroyed by leadership that places a premium on family and turns a blind eye to the needs of those who have to create their own. I'm homeless once again. My friends have scattered, have coupled, have gone their own way. I still talk to those I was closest to, but we find ourselves more catching up than solving the problems of the universe. I still have a wonderful job that I'm VERY thankful for, but it's getting tedious. I have spent 3 of the last 4 weekends at home alone with no plans. And for the first time in a long time, I just want to cry. I never planned to do life alone.

Cry then bolt. Whether or not I actually would is another issue, but I feel very strongly today that if I didn't have a mortgage, I'd be job seeking elsewhere today instead of texturing my walls. Sometimes you just need a sunrise. Sometimes you feel that your path is ending, that it's time to find another. But I don't have that option readily available to me today. I can't just decide to go. So I need to find a way to broaden that path. To find things on the side of the path that make the path less tedious and more like a treasure hunt. I'm trying to get out of my box. Volunteering. Finding social opportunities. Hopefully finding a church that meets my needs (and hopefully not taking 2 years to do it this time...).

Maybe it's the 7-year-itch. Maybe it's that all the people I stayed put for are becoming squared away in their own lives. Maybe I'm tired of traffic and noise and complication. Maybe God's kicked my legs out from under me because I'm not listening. It doesn't matter why (well, unless it's that last one). I can't go to Boston. Or Houston. Or back to the safety of my home town or of Longview. My responsibilities are here, I've been placed here, and here I stand. I just gotta bloom where I'm planted.