"It takes a long time..."

"...to grow an old friend." - John Leonard

I just found myself staring at a picture of Stephanie and myself that has this quote printed on it. And it's true... 12 years in our case. And not always good, but we've always waited it out.

Sometimes something that should have been so obvious all the time hits you all at once. This week, that epiphany has been about my friends and friendships. Sometimes I feel that my life is so incredibly small. I work, I come home, I sleep.... repeat x3, then break for a weekend. But this week I've been truly blessed to realize the enormity of my life.



I have a great deal that most can't boast... a good education, a comfortable home, a reliable car, a steady job with a nearly guaranteed 40 hours a week and almost completely recession-proof. And relationships. With people who love me, who think of me. Who PRAY for me. Lately my time with friends has been limited and bittersweet. Life is taking us down different roads, but it's been even more meaningful to me to be shown and told in a hundred different ways that though my role in their lives has changed, my value hasn't.

Change isn't always bad, I'm learning. I'm developing new friendships with the wonderful significant others that God has brought. I'm strengthening other, perhaps neglected, friendships. I'm growing into a new role in my life, in their lives, and in the life of our circle of friends. The past is sort of like my hometown... it's a nice place to visit, but you don't want to live there. The past has given me a million beautiful moments with these incredible women and men, but to stubbornly insist on staying in it is to miss out on a million more beautiful moments. And to refuse to grow and to become and to follow God's will for your life.

There's not much point in this but to say that God has blessed me far beyond what I deserve in many, many ways, but the one thing that I couldn't withstand losing tomorrow are my friends. They are really, very truly, worth more than gold in my life. My family is incredible, but my friends have chosen me. I don't always know why, but they have. And I love them.

"My friends are my estate." Emily Dickinson

Old Habits

Seems I've fallen into old blogging habits... sorry about that!

The last few weeks have found me busying myself around the house mostly. I've textured and painted a hall and a bathroom, changed lights fixtures, helped my dad finish a deck, etc., etc., etc. It's been good and it all needs to be done, but it's exhausting!! I'm especially excited about my beautiful new deck (thanks dad!!) and can't wait until it's not 105 one day so I can enjoy it!


Life has been many things lately... blah, stressful, anticlimactic, frustrating, lonely, tedious. Don't get me wrong. It hasn't really been bad, but good isn't a word I'd use either. It's truly a time when I just... am.

Work is a maniacal mess. The hospital is in the widow for a visit from the Joint Commission, so we're all suffering. That's not an exaggeration. Daily there are new things we're supposed to do and check and follow through with in addition to our paperwork, billing, authorizations, report writing, and... oh yeah... actually seeing patients. And we're supposed to do it all without an ounce of overtime. My view is that if you're been doing your job correctly all along, you don't need to panic. All the same, it's not been the most pleasant few weeks. If I didn't have to stay 'til January to be fully vested in my retirement matching....

Personally, I seem to be between cycles of friends right now and that makes me sad. I miss the way things used to be and having plans on the weekends. It's been great for my productivity though!! It doesn't help matters to be between churches as well. Well, not really between churches so much as not going at all. I intend to start looking again soon, but right now I need a break. It's just so hard to find what I need, and I'm so tired of churches ignoring us! But not that soapbox again... I just desperately miss connecting with people and being a part of something, not to mention having things to look forward to.

So... yeah. That's life right now. See why I haven't felt the need to update??

Until next time.

Boston

"I think I'm going to Boston/I think I'll start a new life... I think I need a sunrise/I'm tired of a sunset" -Augustana

Days like this, it's a good thing that I have a mortgage. I. Am. So. Restless.

I'm not a restless person by nature, it's just that life is in a rut right now. A year ago, life was great. I had a tight core of friends that did stuff together every weekend. We took road trips. We went to events. We did life together. I could talk to them about anything, and I belonged. I was in a new job and I was excited about the potential. I just felt like I had the roots I had longed for.

Fast forward to today. For the second time in the seven years I've been here, my church family has been destroyed by leadership that places a premium on family and turns a blind eye to the needs of those who have to create their own. I'm homeless once again. My friends have scattered, have coupled, have gone their own way. I still talk to those I was closest to, but we find ourselves more catching up than solving the problems of the universe. I still have a wonderful job that I'm VERY thankful for, but it's getting tedious. I have spent 3 of the last 4 weekends at home alone with no plans. And for the first time in a long time, I just want to cry. I never planned to do life alone.

Cry then bolt. Whether or not I actually would is another issue, but I feel very strongly today that if I didn't have a mortgage, I'd be job seeking elsewhere today instead of texturing my walls. Sometimes you just need a sunrise. Sometimes you feel that your path is ending, that it's time to find another. But I don't have that option readily available to me today. I can't just decide to go. So I need to find a way to broaden that path. To find things on the side of the path that make the path less tedious and more like a treasure hunt. I'm trying to get out of my box. Volunteering. Finding social opportunities. Hopefully finding a church that meets my needs (and hopefully not taking 2 years to do it this time...).

Maybe it's the 7-year-itch. Maybe it's that all the people I stayed put for are becoming squared away in their own lives. Maybe I'm tired of traffic and noise and complication. Maybe God's kicked my legs out from under me because I'm not listening. It doesn't matter why (well, unless it's that last one). I can't go to Boston. Or Houston. Or back to the safety of my home town or of Longview. My responsibilities are here, I've been placed here, and here I stand. I just gotta bloom where I'm planted.

Running just to catch myself

I love Thursday nights. I don't work tomorrow, but everyone else does. So I feel no guilt about spending the evening in a t-shirt and underpants (TMI?) cleaning the kitchen and eating half a PB&J for dinner. Later I'll stay up until midnight and sip a glass of cheap Merlot while watching old episodes of Frasier. On Thursdays, I don't feel like I'm a loser because I don't have plans or like I should be out using my time wisely. Not yet anyhow... give me 12 hours.

The last 10 days have been humdrum at best, frankly. One night of stormage left us without power for 33 hours and I had to toss my Boca Burgers and sugar-free ice cream. Bummer. Fortunately we didn't lose trees or shingles or a fence (despite what I feared when I looked out the window), and most importantly we were safe. I also "got" to go to jury duty for the first time ever (being in school for so long does have its advantages :) ). A half day later, I had re-experienced mass transit, learned the differences between American and Israeli airlines, and been hit on by at least one guy who was clearly either clueless about or disinterested in the social ramifications of wearing headphones. There may have been more, but I was smart enough to not remove my headphones again :).

My weight loss has slowed to a relaxed crawl, so I've taken up running of late to at least get some firming up done. I'm between 10-15 lbs from goal (depending on the day), but who knows where I'll end up. It's continuously surreal to pass a mirror even though my body isn't changing so quickly anymore. I still expect to see the old me every time. I'm up to between 1.5-2.0 miles at a time running now. I've had to move it indoors because I also recently discovered that I don't sweat enough to keep my body temp regulated anymore. Maybe I should re-title this entry "TMI." Now that the temps are regularly in the upper 90's, sweat is important. I have discovered that treadmill running isn't so bad... My running goal is to do a 5K in the fall. Not too bad considering where I've come from!

I'm still at The Heights for now, but I've slowly come to the realization it may be time to move on. I can't explain it and I'm not sure I want to, but I feel that the time has come. Where to go? I have no idea and no leads, but I need to find a place where I fit and where getting up to go on a Sunday is something I look forward to again instead of something I wish I hadn't done halfway through every worship service. So I suspect that it's about time to prayerfully re-embark on a search for a church home. I wish things were different. Actually I wish they were the same....

That's all I got for now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get on with my busy night of cheap wine and PB&J. Not to mention complete fruit fly annihilation...

Things that make me smile

In this companion to last night's post, "Catching up," (or "Things that Bum Me Out"), I thought I'd share some things I'd been thinking about today. All told, I'm a fairly simple person. I want what everyone wants: Freedom, to love and to be loved, to be secure, and to be content. Not happy, content. To me, happiness is an emotion and contentment is a lifestyle you choose to live, even when your co-worker accidently wears your shoes home and you have to walk across scorching hot pavement and drive home in your socks (guess what happened to me today? :). It's a choice to keep laughing (or at least keep walking) when life piles one thing after another on your crap sandwich of a day.

I've found, with all that I have and all that I do, it's simplicity that really makes life worth living. Here are some things that make me walk away smiling. Feel free to add your own!

-Thunderstorms
-Laughter, especially children
-My phone ringing (even if I don't answer it, I smile because someone somewhere thought of me at that moment)
-Stars
-Crisp air
-Bubbles
-Coffee
-Peanut Butter
-Hugs with momentum (sometimes they get a running start from across the lobby :)
-Fitting in a plane seat the first (and second, and third, and fourth) times in my life
-My friends' voices
-A hymn in harmony
-Lightning bugs
-Memories
-Seeing my friends happy
-My hammock
-Laying in my hammock balanced under 3 dogs
-E-mail
-Text messages for no real reason
-Daydreaming
-Dancing like nobody's watching (and hopefully they're not ;)
-A glass of wine
-Pajamas
-Being a part of something
-Fresh air
-Hugs with momentum (sometimes they get a running start...)
-Little heads on my shoulder
-Little arms around my neck (or knees... whatever they can reach)
-Little voices saying my name
-Little victories

Smiling yet? Today I'm tired and grouchy and a little stressed out, but I wanted to turn the tide by counting my blessings, and a long day got a little more golden.

Catching up

So I didn't update the next day. Or the next. But I'm doing it now :).

Life over the last year has been a continuous reel of newness. As a die-hard changephobe, that hasn't always been good. Fortunately *my* life has changed very little, for better or for worse. I say that, but in the same way, everything has changed.

What hasn't changed: I'm still a speech pathologist, DIY diva, dog mom, SUV driver, coffeephile, friend to as many or more as last year. I still love God, my momma and daddy, my friends, and TiVo. I'm still, to date, perpetually single. This will eventually work out well for many of you when you need babysitters. I still love to travel, even though I'm out of travel buddies and will likely take my next vacation alone.

Everything else around me has changed. I'm the only one of my friends that's single. Don't get me wrong... I'm really glad for them, and it's a great joy to see them all happy. But it becomes increasingly difficult to watch everyone else's life change and go through all the exciting phases while mine seems to be passing me by. It's increasingly difficult to look at it as waiting on God instead of wondering "what's wrong with ME?" or asking "why does God love them more than me?" And you can ask Stephanie.... I lose that battle a lot lately. It's hard to know what role I play in their lives now. It's difficult to realize that their role in my life hasn't changed. I need them as much as I ever did. But my role in their lives has. They don't need me as much. I don't get to hang out or talk to them very often at all, and that's bittersweet because I know they're happy. But as a "quality time" person, this kills me.

Fortunately, I've learned to look at a lot of things about life differently. I've learned to rethink a lot of things, and to look at life through clear eyes and not colored by my feelings about my personal appearance. I take on new opportunities gladly and without fear, and that's a new thing for me. I'm discovering my worth and how to forgive myself. And for all the ups and downs and twists and turns that life has taken me on the last few months, I've needed that new point of view. All in all, life is good. Boring (for me) but good.

I'm praying for new opportunities and to be shown the ones that I'm to take. For the opportunity to serve in everyday things and in everyday ways. To not think so hard about life as a destination, but a journey. Life is hard, but God is good. And I am blessed.

So to sum up: Nothing's changed. Everything's changed. Life is good. God is better.

Now I can start dealing in the present. Stay tuned if I haven't bored you to death already :).

We meet again, old friends

"Try something new tomorrow." This is what the inside of my Dove dark chocolate wrapper says. I'm currently staring at it as it mocks me. Thing is, tomorrow's Thursday. I'll get up at 6:30, flat iron my hair, pour a cup of coffee and rush out the door. I'll pull into the parking lot between 7:26 and 7:28, and I'll pull out between 6:08 and 6:15. I'll drive home, praying all the way that Central isn't backed up, and arrive home between 6:32 (if it's not backed up) and 6:42 (if it is). And of course I'll be tired. This is my typical workday, and it doesn't allow time for anything new. It's a small life packed into a long day, but it's mine. Not that I don't like it when things are shaken up, they just never are.

So tonight I decided to do something new. You know, in case I can't pack it into my busy Thursday. I'm giving this blog thing another shot. Beholdthepowerofsadie.blogspot.com hasn't exactly been laid to rest, it's just that we've weathered a lot of years together, and sometimes it's better to start over. I've done alot of that the last year. So while I can read the old blog whenever I need to to remember, you no longer can. It's better this way.

That said, here we are again friends. I'll try to update more frequently that I did before if you promise not to tire of the mundane and read anyway. It's hard to maintain blogging momentum when you're the only person you know whose life NEVER changes, but I'll try. Thanks for being a part of my life, and allowing me to be part of yours.

I'll update tomorrow. Maybe. But it's 9:57. I have to sleep in 3 minutes.